Gelsomina

Take a second guess.

Morning shine sun.

How. Wow. Wooooooooohoow. That’s a wolf howling if it did not sound as obvious in your head when you read it out loud.

Heart ache upon heart ache. Is it the same one person for whom I ache or is it the same type of love that keeps me arrray.

I want but I can’t have. I love but I can’t say.

Feelings I have been made to feel, ah it sounds so pathetic. I feel, I do feel for you and you and you. I feel for me. All of me i have wanted to give and meet and be with. None of it pans out isn’t it weird. Somehow I can’t even skip it, play with it the way I want to not get involved.

When they are bad they are very bad and when they are good they just grab at my heart and now. I find myself entangled in everybody elses story but who is it that must be out there that wants to write my own with me. Our story. Who is it just tell me, it’s time now I want to see. Who is he with whom I have my story. Our story. Babies in my tummy. My children to grow. Our home to build. I wonder. Since that day I felt how special it must be to be someone’s valentine. Watching him who I adored from far with a rose in hand gifting it to the girl he thought was the most special of all. I wondered how it would be when I receive the petal of someone’s blossomed seed.

My heart cue in sad slow elevator song by someone famous.

It’s alright now. I am getting help with this hopeless cause of drooling after unavailable men. Let me tell you, no dream is worth a land where they don’t come true hopeless as it sounds. For never and ever would anybody ever dare to make it so if it meant sinking another’s.

At least I never willed to. Not brave enough to dip all the way in but just enough to understand how cold it would have been. Of course for the immunity and the story going all the way is the thing to do but when you want something so bad and have prayed on every star to have it realized it is not really in the books to put that aside and finish a deed. Of course perhaps when roaming alone is the case then for experience, thrill or the temptress herself the warmth is seeked out and waters are tested and mistakes are made and lessons are learned and karma is awaited oh lord bless my soul. The lord of the pink roses and wonderful legends out of all…

I miss you.

I wish I could say that’s all. You know who you are. I know who you are. We just can’t never be sure can we. After all the only certainty is that once began it shall be inevitably unpredictable as it may be.

….

I understand more clearly now. How angry I must have been. How afraid to love the possibility to lose. So much that can be healed for the truth. If only I had a crown…

….

Compensating the wrath.

….

“ Why did you leave?” He asked. She couldn’t look him straight in the eye.

….

Do you notice the grey lines. Who is this about? The man I could not forgive or the man in me I could not love. Father, father. Tell me how I learned to treat myself from those who taught me how I must have been loved. Do you reader sense the ambiguity, the troubled youth and the willingness to learn?

….

How much of myself must be contained? How much of myself am I free to obtain. What is wrong and what is right? Do I have the right to try? It is all private do you realize. Does everyone mature at the same time?

Is it wrong if I please myself in my own company if those who have become the sound of my conscience are always with me. Do I really have privacy? Am I meant to ask somebody or portect myself from all this; a confusing analogy?

Let’s pass that, not scratch. Overload the underload.