Preparation Journal

I wonder if blog posts are meant to be written once a day, nonetheless I have some free flowing will within. Something is pulling me down. I will be fine soon but now I have to say.

I haven’t done my training all day, nor the breathwork excercises I meant to hear and clear… Something is pulling me down and let me tell you; it is not my lack of muscle pulling up.

There is this conversation I had a while ago. I miss the talk and also the warmth of the face I so very much liked. I can feel the days getting older and so us closer and perhaps I had personalized a task that had not been mine to hold. I wonder why there was such promise of hope. Afterwards though I felt as though, as though I would love to see this man once again.

Unavailability is a catch. Especially once after twice meeting and seeing and greeting then revealing that time has yet to take a toll and there is much other to do before we roll. Funny how at that moment I yearned so urgently to behold.

Ah ah, in turkish we call it efkar. I would drink tonight.. As famously quoted in many songs although I cannot promise I would get drunk.

Just a face I cannot forget. He did not prefer you to start… My mind can remind me he chose me not many many times but I know at heart that exactly meant that he had in fact done so every single time. He did you wrong, I hear many talk but I know for a fact that he never had.

Fanning the fiction I have something unresolved. Self esteem and the measure of worth. It is about the man and the men who love to love me the way they love to love. Not much about me you see, nor about my self worth. Just some to do with love and self and them alone.

I bow my head and I glance at the watch. I have yet to pull myself up around ten or so times, then push myself up more than ten or so. Don’t even get me started on spinning my body round my shoulders and right after lifting my feet up to my nose.

The problem is though; I can spread my legs wide but if I do not practice it every single day at the least sometimes I have to try a bit harder than most. Punch the line. It’s only a joke.

Let’s get back to the show I saw- are you familiar with the dance they do biting each finger and teasing a wide load. I caught myself being sneaky about my world and little did I do to hold myself from imagining a stage with my black boots. I halt and breathe to make sure one does not require to avenge but just hold for a moment that exhale which just left the body, enriched with carbon dioxide I can utilize all that oxygen I breathed in.

I guess that is also how a relationship walks… From all the talk and all the love shared what remains is the memory of the rememberance… One other cares for you at least as much as you can at your best. Do I owe it to myself merely or to life intact to do myself right at every single step, breathe, take and stage…

I’ll now demonstrate.